im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
