That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
