I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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