you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
