your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
