I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
