they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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