How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
