she was so not down for the gang bang
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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