I just cut my nipple shaving
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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