i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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