Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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