you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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