remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
