I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize