When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sponge bath it is.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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