party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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