i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
