two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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