Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
