maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
