I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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