I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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