I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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