A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
