I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
