my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
