My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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