idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
