and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
