Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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