There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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