Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
