The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize