New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
