she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
love makes seman taste better
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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