i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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