It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
