this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
