I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
