If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
