I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
