Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
