So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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