I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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