Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
