I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
