god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
