Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
