I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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