I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she told me i tasted like america
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
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Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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